My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
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you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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