Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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