i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
