I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
