I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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