The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
