I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
