So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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