wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
