I faked an abortion last night.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
