Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
