I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
