I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?