I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
