i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
