this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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