Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
if only i could text you this smell
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
