my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
i came on her dog
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
