just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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