Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
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four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
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Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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