3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
