to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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