even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
