Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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