i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
