Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
