Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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