If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Did you just see the Batmobile???
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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