my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
