grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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