Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
