As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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