I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
