Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
