did you get engaged???
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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