I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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