Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
