i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
