On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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