Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
