ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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