I think I just saw someone hide a body.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
