Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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