i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
