I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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