there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
