i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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