If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
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