oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
i drank out of a bidet.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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