And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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