I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
