marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I am in a vortex of obligation.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
