Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
