I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
