remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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