Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
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I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
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The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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