What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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